The People's Army are coming! Get on board.

Remember WW2? OK I'll 'fess up - I don't (much too young!) but believe it or not The Dad's Army was and remains my favourite television programmes of the last 40 years.

World War Two was by any measure a wonderful time to be alive. Leaving the causes of the conflict and the deaths of 60 million people aside, during those dark years of 1939 to 1945 Britain was a happy place to be. Milkmen continued to deliver their milk despite the Zeppelin raids and people received telegrams informing them that their sons or sweethearts had been blown up into tiny little pieces with good old fashioned "stiff upper lips". 

Young children back then could play on bomb-sites without the "Health and Safety" police telling them not to and "gay" was a word that people like Noel Coward innocently used to describe how happy everybody was because "homosexuals" had yet to be invented.

Wartime, in short, was a blissful period in Britain. Perfect strangers would fall into conversations in air raid shelters, American servicemen gave each other chewing gum, eggs came in conveniently powdered form and Europe was a place we bombed or occasionally dropped secret service agents into - not the greatest threat to our way of life since the bubonic plague. How times change.

If Captain Mainwaring were still alive today he would no doubt be doing a lot of that thing he did where he took his peaked cap off and scratched his head. People mope about in tracksuits, Jihadis are running about the place being absolutely horrid and worst of all Europe thinks it has a right to tell us in Britain how powerful our vacuum cleaners should be. NO. NO. NO.

Why can't we be like we were in World War Two all the time? Why can't we rekindle that blitz spirit can-do attitude of Bletchley Park Code breaking, bouncing bombs and daring SOE raids on Dieppe?

Well guess what? We can. 

All of the major changes we need in this country, the reduction in immigrants, withdrawl from the EU, boosting our warship building industry, could all be solved by a six year conflict with Germany followed by a protracted period of Cold War. Take it from me. I studied history to Bachelor of Arts level at the University of the UEA.

Peace and prosperity has been an absolute disaster for Britain and it has nearly brought our warfilm industry to its knees. My moment has come. Yours can too if you join the People's Army today. Do it guys!

Satire: As told to Otto English - absolutely not by the real Douglas Carswell - far too well written for that - though I do say so myself.